Malfoy's routine
by verita dea
Summary: Pardoy. What happens when Draco's sacred ritual is interrupted? Random fanfic, dedicated to a friend who's going to kill me after reading it. Draco fans beware.
1. Chapter 1

NOTE: This insane piece of writing is for FUN. Don't take it seriously and please don't murder me.

* * *

The Hogwarts castle is majestic. From the courtyard, it is an imposing building, its age almost tangible. However, there is one part of the castle that holds no mystery, no intrigue, nothing particularly magical about it whatsoever.

And that is within Draco Malfoy's room.

True, he is the son of the infamous Lucius Malfoy, but we all know that on the inside, young Draco is a soft little boy who has one interest, and one interest only.

Himself.

Take a look inside his room and you will find glass casements containing 'chibi' dolls of himself, each in a different costume. There's one in a quidditch uniform, another in a shirt that says 'I hate Harry Potter' (with 'Potter stinks' badge attached), and another in (though he'll never tell) in muggle clothing. Various portraits hang on the walls (all of himself) with him in different poses. There's the thinker pose, the scowl, the 'where are my goons?' pose. A large mirror is positioned so his reflection is the first thing he sees in the morning, and the last thing he sees as he goes to bed. Finally, there's the blown up Draco poster, which takes up one wall.

Said Draco Malfoy has a certain routine that he _never _deviates from. As soon as he wakes up, he sees himself in the mirror, and smiles at the greasy haired boy staring back. He gets up and kisses his reflection seven times (for good luck) then begins to dress. This all happens within his first ten minutes of consciousness. Then he goes and checks on his chibi dolls, which are protected by the bulky Crabbe and Goyle. If these two guards happen to slack off on the job, Draco makes sure they don't get any treats in the night.

After examining his dolls, Draco stands in front of each portrait for ten minutes and forces his goons and girlfriend to admire the beauty of the pictures. When that's done, Draco has to face the ordeal of going through school. He sneaks back to his room when he can, sometimes adding a bit more to the 'Draco Malfoy collection'.

As the day concludes, Draco returns to his room and sends all his fan club and body guards away. For the next three or four hours, he talks to his pictures, relating the day, complaining about Harry Potter and going through his psychological issues (of which there are many). Then he compliments each picture before choosing a chibi doll to sleep with. Even with them, there's a set order. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays belong to the quidditch Draco; muggle Draco gets Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, while 'I Hate Harry' Draco gets Sundays and special holidays. Draco kisses his reflection seven times, then goes to sleep.

Now, there has been one time in history this ritual has been disrupted. And that was because of Draco's evil arch nemesis.

Harry Potter.

It all began over an ego battle, when Harry happened to log onto his fanfiction account and discovered something so outrageous, so unthinkable, he was practically frozen for ten minutes. Inside he was simmering, he was radiating so much anger that people started to shuffle away from him to avoid the impending explosion. Ron, being ever brave, hesitantly tapped Harry on the shoulder to ask an explanation. But Harry didn't have to say a thing. Staring at the computer screen, Ron saw what the problem was.

Draco Malfoy had 278 more fanfics dedicated to himself than Harry did.

"What does he have that I don't?!" Harry shrieked. "I'm perfect, I'm the hero, I'm the best! I'm better than Voldemort!"

Hermione looked up from the impossibly large and tedious volume she was reading and shrugged. "It's because you're so boring. Oh wow, you're a hero. What's the big deal? Draco has enigma, the bad boy thing behind him. You're too mediocre for everyone else Harry."

Heads turned and breath was sharply inhaled. How could such a thing be said to the great and wondrous Harry Potter? And by the uber nerd as well? Said nerd was looking nonchalant, reading the tiny font of her book (it's a wonder she doesn't have glasses yet). The room was tense, anticipating Harry's reaction. He sighed slowly and nodded.

"We'll have to fix that then," he muttered. He snapped his fingers and Ron and Hermione were by his side instantly. "We have to infiltrate Draco's room and find out his secret."

"Right behind you Harry," Ron said, ever loyal and stupid.

"Well, everyone says I don't have a life so I'll tag along even though I'm secretly in love with Draco and I'm carrying his child."

Hoping that that statement would get her noticed by anyone, Hermione angrily pouted when no one paid attention to it. The trio headed down to the dungeons, where Draco's room was located in the Slytherin dormitories. It was easy enough getting into the common room, but the challenge was getting into Draco's.

"Whatever could his password be!" Ron exclaimed.

They stared at the large portrait of Draco (that was mocking them and grinning), then Hermione snapped her fingers.

"Draco Malfoy is the hottest!" she said. The portrait scowled at her, then swung aside and they entered Malfoy's very large room. Upon entry, they were all amazed at the amount of Draco Malfoy fan items.

"Look at this!" Harry demanded, angrily picking up the 'I Hate Harry' chibi doll. His friends stared at him blankly and he rolled his eyes. "It's custom ordered. See? _Made in Japan. _Why don't _I _have this stuff circulating at the moment?!"

"Because you're povo?" Ron offered. Harry shot him a death glare.

"We must do something about this," Harry muttered, looking around him. "What would strike Malfoy to the heart and ruin him completely?"

As Ron hurt his head trying to think and Harry fumed silently, Hermione furtively went over to the wall sized poster of Malfoy and began professing her love in front of it. Harry saw something different, however, and grinned.

"Hermione, you're a genius," he smiled, hopping up and pulling out his wand. Hermione's eyes widened, and she immediately took a defensive position in front of the poster.

"Stand aside," Harry waved around his wand.

Hermione pouted. "What are you going to do?"

"Move it of course," Harry replied cheerfully. With one flick of the wand, the poster was transported to the Gryffindor dormitories, onto the wall beside Harry's bed. Ron gaped.

"Like, where did it go?" he asked.

Harry beckoned for his friends to follow. "Off to the tower. Let's go."

In their dorm, Harry's room mates were bewildered to find Draco Malfoy's poster on the wall. Neville eyed it warily.

"Why's it here?" he asked Harry.

Harry steepled his fingers and laughed maniacally. "We, my friend, are going to play a little muggle sport."

Out of no where, Harry proffered a box filled with darts. "Aim and throw. Get one on his face, one hundred points. Below the chest, fifty. Anywhere else... well, we'll come to it later. Now, this is a traditional sport in pubs. So free drinks for all!"

Being the fun loving and party animals all Gryffindors are, a crowd soon gathered and began playing the game. Their laughter resounded through the castle and soon Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs came to play, since everyone hates a Slytherin.

Meanwhile, Draco returned to his room and went through his routine. Talking out his problems, checking his dolls, kissing his reflection and finally getting into bed. When he noticed.

Something was terribly wrong.

He tried to figure out what it was and after a great deal of thinking, it hit him.

His favourite, most expensive, most perfect photo was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

A scream resounded through the castle, a banshee's wail mourning a loss. People sat up in their beds, shivers running down their spines as the eldritch noise sang its sorrow through the draughty halls of Hogwarts.

"SHUT IT!" a quaffle came flying through the window, shattering the glass. Draco abruptly stopped bawling, stared blankly at the shards at the floor, then turned his attention back to where his poster used to hang. There was a crack in the wall. A crack he'd never noticed before. That was all Draco could digest as he continued to stare up at the bare, stony wall that was taunting him. After a while, it finally seemed to sink in and Draco could hear loud voices resonating in his head.

_Dude, it's gone. You know, the super large picture of yourself? Vanished, disappeared. Gone. Never to return again. Into oblivion. Whatcha going to do about it?_

"It's gone," Draco repeated stupidly.

_I just said that. Disappeared. Forever. G-O-N-E. For good. Now what are you going to do?_

"I don't know," Draco whispered sadly. "What should I do?"

_Dude, like I'd know. It was reaally expensive wasn't it? Your best picture too. And now it's just gone. Ah well, I suppose we can't do anything about it._

Tears started to gather in Draco's eyes and he collapsed on the bed. His collection was _nothing _without that poster. Worthless. Completely useless. Burying his head into the pillow, Draco began to lament and cry and curse the world for its injustice.

Meanwhile, hiding not so inconspicuously behind a Draco tapestry in the corner of the room, was Harry Potter and his posse. Hermione was croucing on the ground, head in hands, while Ron watched in excitement as Harry continued to talk through his megaphone.

_That's right Draco. Cry. It's all right. But without the poster, your fanfiction numbers will go down. _Harry said cheerfully.

The puddle of shame that was Hermione looked up and sighed. "Harry, don't you think that's enough? Can't we just return it all ready?"

Harry stared at Hermione for a long moment, then handed the megaphone to Ron. "Carry on for a minute," he instructed, then knelt down to Hermione's level. There was a look in his eye that screamed 'power hungry and evil'. Hermione gulped and shrank further into the wall.

"You know Hermione," Harry began, his voice deceptively conversational. "I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe you don't care that my fanfiction popularity is less than Draco's."

"Of course I do," Hermione replied shakily. Harry raised an eyebrow then nodded.

"Well, just to be on the safe side..." he proffered _Hogwarts, a History _and dangled it in front of Hermione's nose. He then pulled out a lighter and hovered it underneath the book. The expression on his face was that of every pyromaniac as he sets off a devestating fire. "If you try to get in my way, I will burn this book. But I won't stop there. I shall burn the library too, and then I shall let everyone in on your secret."

Hermione's face whitened. "You... you wouldn't."

"That's right," Harry said, flicking the lighter on and off. "I shall let the world know that you only borrow large books so everyone will think you're nerdy and smart."

Hermione winced and nodded. Her secret obsession and need to protect Draco from Harry's malicious plan was important, but her nerdy reputation and intelligent image was worth more. Harry grinned satisfactorily at Hermione, then stood up.

"And don't forget to buy Weasley a puppy," Ron shouted into the megaphone. "It has to be a cocker spaniel. One with the really cute and floppy ears."

"Ron, give it to me, that's enough now," Harry said patiently, like a parent addressing a child. Reluctantly, Ron returned the megaphone. Just as Harry was about to resume the brainwashing, there was a knock on the door and the trio jumped.

"It seems we must come back another time," Harry murmured. He pointed his wand at the wall and another of Hogwarts' random and convenient secret passage ways appeared. The trio stealthily made their way down it just as Draco's goons came in.

To say they were surprised was an understatement. Their leader, the great Draco Malfoy, was reduced to tears. It was a fantastic spectacle indeed. Uncertain of what to do, Crabbe approached the bed and tapped Draco on the shoulder.

"What are you doing in here?" Draco meant to snarl, but instead it came out as a monotone. "I am talking to my pictures."

"Oh," Crabbe shuffled his feet and looked down. "Err...the night shift." This was greeted by silence. The two goons stood awkwardly still for a moment, then Goyle coughed.

"Do you want us to leave?"

Malfoy stared at him blankly. "Yes. And don't come back again."

The goons nodded and headed back outside. Goyle turned to Crabbe in question. "What's wrong with him?"

"Dunno," Crabbe replied inadequately. Pansy, soon to be Mrs. Malfoy, heard this little interchange and looked at the goons questioningly.

"What's wrong with who?" she asked.

Goyle looked furtively around the common room, before crooking his finger. Pansy leaned to listen eagerly. "Draco. He's crying."

"Crying?" Pansy repeated, taken aback. Crabbe made a hushing noise and Pansy quietened her voice. "What happened?"

"He didn't say," Goyle shrugged.

Pansy rolled her eyes. "Useless, the both of you. Don't worry, I'll sort this out in no time."

Brimming with the trademark Slytherin arrogance, Pansy strutted into Draco's room. Looking around her, she noticed instantly that the huge poster was gone. Her gaze landed on Draco, who was sobbing even harder. She swallowed back a remark of distaste.

"Draco, darling," she said loudly, coming over to him. He looked up at her with bloodshot eyes and pulled his blanket over his head. Pansy had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. "Come on Draco, tell me what's wrong."

"Go away," he replied flatly. Pansy exhaled slowly, then picked up the 'I hate Harry' chibi doll and pulled the blanket slowly off Draco.

"Would you tell Harry hater Draco what's the matter then?" she asked gently.

Draco sat up sniffed loudly. "The poster's gone. My favourite poster. I don't know where it is and then there were voices."

Pansy rasied a brow. "Voices?"

Draco nodded sadly. "Oh so many voices. They kept asking me what I was going to do about the poster, and then they said that I'd lose my fanfictions, and then they told me to buy Weasley a broomstick and a puppy." Draco's eyes widened. "Do you think if I do as they say, the poster will come back?"

At this point, Pansy had dropped the chibi doll and was absolutely certain that Draco had lost his mind. "We'll look for your poster. If we don't find it, we'll get you a new one."

"There is none like it!" Draco snapped peevishly. Too annoyed to deal with him any further, Pansy retreated and exited the room. She stomped down the stairs to meet an eager Crabbe and Goyle.

"He's out of his mind," she said flatly. "Just leave him, he'll get over it. But in the meantime, you better get him a more expensive poster."

From then on, the Slytherins gave Draco a wide berth. He needed time, Pansy was constantly saying. But a few days went by, then weeks, then a month was gone and still, Draco had not returned to his normal sneering manner. Instead, he'd become listless, a mere wraith walking the corridors shadowed by two bulky figures. Over time, his fan club had also dwindled, along with the fanfictions and shrine sites. After all, who'd want to worship an emo kid? Harry observed this rapid change happily.

"Ah yes," he grinned, staring at the computer screen. "Now he is only two fanfictions in front of me. No matter, that will change soon enough." He swivelled round on his wheelie chair, rubbing his hands together in glee. He stopped short when he spotted Ron on the floor, playing with the puppy Draco had bought him.

"Ron, that mutt is ruining the carpet," Harry scolded, gesturing to the damp spot on the mat. Ron pouted.

"He's not a mutt. He's through and through cocker spaniel," Ron said. "And his name is Harry. I've named him after you."

"Why thank you," Harry said magnanimously, oblivious to the insult. "We should get that cleaned up. WOMAN!"

Hermione entered the room, looking exasperated. "What is it you want?"

"Clean that up will you?" Harry pointed to the wet patch. Hermione cringed, about to protest, but Harry pulled a string and _Hogwarts: A HIstory _was dangling over the fireplace. Hermione became miserably obedient again and cleaned up the mess.

"Victory is mine," Harry said triumphantly, throwing another dart and Malfoy's poster. Leaning back into the seat, his evil laughter echoed around the room. But as we all know, Pride comes before a fall, and Harry's win was to be short lived. For in the doorway of one of Hogwarts' numerous hidden passageways, unseen by the trio was a figure watching them avidly.

Pansy.


End file.
